Life has totally changed for me. That is the reason I have not written here in some time. I have had to face myself and realize certain things about me that were unpleasant. Things I had “learned” to just live with – only to find out I have failed to be myself to me, and to those around me because of that.

To be blunt, I have decided to divorce and separate my family. It is not a case of “she is awful” or “I am awful” – we were just awful together. And I let my fear of what would happen if I spoke my truth about it,  allow the marriage to continue way way way too long.

So lessons learned: You cannot love in pity. You cannot love in fear. You cannot love in just compassion. You cannot love in lust. You cannot love for the sake of fear. And if you cannot speak of it, you cannot be free of it.

For eventually, you become not what you are or were meant to be – you become the product of fear. A mouse shadow of yourself. Small, powerless and just surviving – not alive at all.

So I have entered the spinning cauldron, to find out where I am to be. For I cannot go back, I cannot stand still. I must evolve. My heart, my children and my life depend upon it.

I shall find my life again. I shall be whole again. I will find love again. As those come to be, I will see what the cauldron brings.

Blessed Be,

Alan

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